Virtnet.bond: Where packet loss is a design choice
We lease top-tier crawlspaces, route BGP transit through home kitchen appliances, and secure your database backups on floppy disks hidden inside Dave's desk. Enjoy speed-capped internet at enterprise-adjacent prices.
|
99.999%*
Target Uptime
Measured in milliseconds directly after a router reboot. |
14,203,991
Packets Routed
Approximately 40% reached their actual destination. |
3
Basement Centers
Includes crawlspace behind the Laundromat. |
Soon™
Response Time
Calculated based on Dave's sleep schedule. |
0
Known Problems
Since we disabled system log files to save space. |
Our primary transit node (Intel Pentium 4 with 256MB RAM).
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Enterprise hosting at community rates.
- 1 Shared CPU Core (shared with Dave's child playing Minecraft)
- 256MB RAM (upgradeable to 512MB if Dave finds the stick he dropped under the rack)
- Static IPv6 included
- IPv4 available through bribery
- Power cords secured with double-wrap premium electrical tape
Route traffic through the web backbone.
- Dynamic route flaps every time Dave opens the break room microwave
- Anycast (any cast of the dice determines if packets reach Google)*
- RPKI filtering (stored in Dave's memory; he writes updates on sticky notes)
- Dave's custom routing whitelist rules
Internet for offices tired of explaining downtime.
- 10 Gbps peak speed (lasts for 4 seconds or until the hamster gets tired)
- 100% theoretical SLA target
- Backup routing via 50-meter ethernet cord dropped out the window to the Starbucks next door
- No limit on bandwidth*
| Plan Feature | Hobbyist Basic | Corporate Team | Enterprise Premium |
|---|---|---|---|
| Packet Loss targets | 15% - 30% standard | 5% - 10% expected | 1% (Negotiable) |
| Estimated Repair Speed | Eventually | Next Business Week | Immediate Host Reboot |
| Justification metrics | "Read system forum logs" | Formal email Incident log | "Our enterprise customers complain louder" |
Toaster switch routing flaps core data pools:
Dave heated up a frozen lasagna in the break room microwave, which is wired to the same power strip as the main Cisco switch. The EM radiation has caused the routing table to believe the toaster is the default gateway. Latency is currently 4,500ms.
The Cat on Switch 3:
Dave's cat has fallen asleep on top of the primary distribution switch because it is warm. The cat is blocking the airflow and the fans are screaming. Do not disturb the cat or ping the system.
Unexpected good connection throughput anomalies:
A client experienced 100Mbps speeds for 12 minutes. This was a critical configuration error. We have successfully reinstalled our throttle limits and restored standard packet loss. We apologize for the surprise.
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Key routes are inspected by visual light green diode signals directly inside Dave's basement workspace cabinet.
[Wild Web]
[Pentium 3]
[Temp Tape]
[Do Not Touch]
[Unknown]
[Production]
[Ask Dave]
[Shopping Keyboards]
* Click on nodes to run virtual diagnostics.
⚠️ Maintenance Procedure Status: ACTIVE UPGRADE
We planned to upgrade our core baseline fiber lines in dave's back workspace between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM.
Unfortunately, the screwdriver has fallen inside the main routing cabinet board switch ports.
Hamster wheel is currently offline. Hamster is on a federally mandated lunch break. Uptime has decreased.
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
1. General Connectivity target
Virtnet guarantees a connectivity existence uptime of 99.9%. If loops drop below target, clients are advised to inspect visual baseline router tape wraps.
2. Power Supply target status
Power target: "Yes". Power is maintained as long as the kitchen microwave is not loaded with frozen burritos for longer than 3 minutes.
3. Hardware maintenance policy
Core switch hardware replacement is executed as soon as the correct size screwdriver can be recovered from the basement floor.
4. Disaster Recovery Flooding policy
In case of basement flooding, all rack servers are placed on empty plastic milk crates. Uptime during floods is dependent on floatation capabilities of the crates.
5. Support Queue Priority
Tickets are automatically sorted by alphabetical order of client names. If your name starts with 'Z', we suggest legally changing it before submitting.
We are hiring specialists comfortable with legacy setups. Apply by clicking lists.
Requirements: Comfortable muting switch alert alarms indefinitely.
Requirements: Know which switches use flex tape vs standard duct tape.
Help distributed storage arrays with their file abandonment alarms. Our cluster is currently depressed.
Find out why Switch Rack 4 sounds like a kitchen microwave. Urgent opening.
Must be willing to take full legal responsibility when the IRS audits our hosting structure.
Keep the primary generator hamster well-fed. CCNA certification preferred.